06-02-12 Love Humour Weekly Showcase

Not much to laugh about at the moment, yeah? Everyone feeling a bit dull and miserable? Doom-laden, at all? Like your guts have dropped out of your arsehole and are dragging around on the asphalt, getting all gritty and fecked up, and not even the thought of some heaving doctor poking them back in with a blunt instrument can cheer you up? You’re not alone, mate. We’ve all had days like that. I frequently find bits of my lower intestine embedded in the driveway and then I have to get the pressure washer out from the shed. My point is, it can’t get much worse. Well – it can – like the time a fox started chewing on my spleen – but you don’t really need a spleen. Spleens are extraneous to your daily bodily needs. I think. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. 

If I WAS a doctor, I would prescribe you some GOOD SHIT for your everyday blues. Take a look below, into the depths of the Humour Showcase. Gaze into its shadowy, er, shadows. Here be some quality laughs to lift even the bowel-less of this world. And don’t forget – if you wanted to be included in the pantheons of humour displayed here, spread-eagle yourself and we’ll come and extract what we need. Probably something spleen-shaped. 

Intro by Motherventing

apartyofseven – sunday funny

This week actuallymummy blog had posted a link to a Michael Mcintyre clip which had me chuckling..so i thought post this brilliant mum’s take on the things you say in a day. I think i may have posted it a while back..but just love listening to it and funnily enough every time i do i seem to hear more and more of myself in it…

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Things I Am Thinking When I Am Not Speaking – I Wish The National Lottery Were A Little Less Enthusiastic

I’d won the lottery, oh my god! I was unbelievably excited for a moment then I remembered that no matter what amount you win (and I won the grand total of seventy seven pounds once – admittedly on a scratch card – but have also won a tenner a couple of times) you get the same email. But part of me couldn’t help but hope . . . what if I’d won big? What if I could walk into work tomorrow and throw in the towel and solve a big bunch of my problems in one fell swoop?

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Things I Am Thinking When I Am Not Speaking – The Mystery of the Missing Chocolate Bar

So I have to assume that what has happened is that I have once again embraced the “blonde stereotype” and . . . forgotten to actually remove my chocolate bar from the machine after I paid for it and selected it!!!

Yeah. This ranks up there with finding out that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

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In A Bundance – Be adventurous with your child’s name

Do you imagine great things for your children? Of course you do. Your little darling is going to make history, be famous and probably save the planet.

How about if they were brave and heroic adventurers? Marvellous. But unless you have given them the right name, you’ve blown it already.

You see, this week I was working on a story about Birdie Bowers – the fifth member of Scott’s doomed Antarctic expedition. Birdie was born in Greenock and it’s almost exactly 100 years since the Terra Nova expedition shuddered to an icy conclusion.

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Adventures of a Middle-Aged Matron – A Beginner’s Guide to Middle-Age

A reader has asked me when middle-age starts. She sounded nervous. I can’t think why. Years are no barrier; you can start middle-age any time you like. I personally embraced it in my early twenties when I eschewed Saturday night clubbing for re-runs of Brideshead Revisited. It proved so addictive that I have never looked back.
Evidently, though, the transition remains mysterious to those who have yet to find the courage to try it, so here are 20 pointers to help you work out whether you qualify for Mid Life.

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My Funny Mummy – Gross

Enough.
Just reviewed this week’s posts. I have regaled you with tales of postnatal piles, explosive poos, cervical smears and stubborn wedgies. Not exactly teatime reading. More a who’s who of disgustingness. The who of the who’s being me. I feel the need to redeem myself, before you feel you can actually smell me through your screen. Something had to be done to halt the descent into fully fledged Mrs Twit-ness.

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Life of an Expat Parent: Where “Mum” is the new “Mom” – The “Suck At” List

The

I started to question whether I should have a list of incredible things I would like to accomplish before I kick the bucket. And then I remembered who I am. Instead, I decided to compile a list called the ‘Suck At’ list, because they are ten things that I’d like to just get on top of or finished before I die. I think other people call them daily “To do’s.” I was also going to do 30 things. Then, I again remembered who I am.

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My Rusty Halos – Piecing the clues together

Piecing the clues together

Rapunzel came running out of nursery today telling me that they were singing a song about a hairy haggis with 5 eyes and 5 legs. I replied with a cheery, “Oh did you?” while wrapping her up in her scarf and buttoning her in to her jacket.

As we were walking down the street she told me that she ate tatties and carrots today. I asked her if she ate it all up and she said, “Yes though the carrots were a bit yucky.” This made me wonder what they had given her as she usually likes carrots…..

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Yellow Days – Baby Sleep Positions: Jazz Hands or Donkey Kong?

Baby Sleep Positions: Jazz Hands or Donkey Kong?

I’d read about co-sleeping before I had E but I didn’t really think it would be for us. Both boys did sleep in bed with us on numerous occasions but I wanted the bulk of their night time sleep to be in the crib and then the cot when they were old enough. I’ve just found this and number one perfectly sums up my experiences of co-sleeping. Poor old Hubs!

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Catherine’s thoughts – Late Nights – he can’t do it either

On the 16th of January, we celebrated my husband’s 50th birthday with a surprise party. Well it actually wasn’t much of a surprise, since he soon figured out there had to be a reason as to why I was up at the crack of dawn cooking and cleaning. Guests starting arriving around three o’clock in the afternoon. It was going to be a long night.

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Housegoeshome – Sunday Bloody Sunday

Sunday Bloody Sunday

I’ll begin with an assurance: today’s blog isn’t a sequel to Friday’s post, entitled “Warning: This One’s About PMT”. That would be too much information about me. Which is saying something. But don’t get too comfy, because it’s actually about chook poo. Waaaay too much information about chook poo …

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Grenglish – The day Sarah Brown mentioned me on Twitter

The day Sarah Brown mentioned me on Twitter

My husband is a financial journalist. He writes about business, he writes about the economy and sometimes, when it is a slow news day, he gets to help out on the sports desk and cover sporting events too. Mainly football matches. On Saturday afternoons. When his team are playing. Funny that…

I think it is a pretty cool job, although it does take him away from home from time to time.

This week, he was assigned to be at The World Economic Forum in Davos, while I took on the solo parenting gig at home.

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Who’s the Mummy – RIP Mr Hamster.

RIP Mr Hamster.

One of the benefits of having pets, along with adding a cute companion to the family, is that they provide an opportunity for children to learn, first hand, about the cycle of life. Things are born, they live, they die. And in the case of hamsters, it can be a tragically short circle.

Mr Hamster was a present for Flea’s six birthday last autumn, and Flea fell in love at first sight.

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Mammasaurus – I spy a slapper…mmm…

I spy a slapper...mmm...

And then *POOF* Riddle me this Riddle me ree – Tell me what ‘M’s you can see!

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Tired Mummy of Two – Overheard conversation…

This post is a script of one of those times when you cant help laughing when you overhear your children playing.

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Words from the Queen – Uncle Flo is here! or Not tonight honey, I’m Manstruating

My friend the Bearded Iris wrote a piece titled If Pollyanna Had a Period. Way funny. Go check it out now! But then come back and read about Uncle Flo.

So the article got me thinking about what if men had a monthly visit from Uncle Flo? Yes that’s right, I’m discussing the ramifications on what would happen if men actually bled for 6 days out of the month. Buckle in….it may get nasty.

So, if Men had a period…

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Michael Cargill – Welcome to my world of pies

Welcome to my world of pies

My name is Bob and I run Mrs Higgin’s Pie Shop. There is no Mrs Higgins. It wasn’t established in 1876 as the sign outside claims. It is less a shop and more of a cross between a bakery, a cafe and a kitchen with nothing but microwaves in it. I do sell pies but they aren’t my biggest profit-maker. Oh no, no, no. That particular accolade goes to the soup. Oh wonderful soup of lusciousness how I love thee.

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geekmummy – The one where my Mum buys my son a dog toy

The one where my Mum buys my son a dog toy

I made a comment in a previous blog post that my mother had bought the geekson a dog toy for Christmas, and I promised that I would tell the story of how that came about (with my Mum’s agreement, of course)…

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No-one But a Bloghead – Mitt Romney is a Total Mormon

A link to my satirical/very silly article on TheLeakyWiki.

Covers the Presidential campaign, and Mormons!

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Actually Mummy… – Sunday Funny!

Sunday Funny!

Ok so most of my male readers will not appreciate this piece of humour, but hey, most of my followers are girls anyway 😉

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The Random World Of Jen – The Story Of A Valentine’s Single Pringle

Roses are red, chocolates are brown
Nothing but gas bills through your door, your face has a constant frown.
For months it’s been TV dinners for one and you’re pissed off at forever being single
You long to share your couch with a tall handsome man, not just with this mouldy old Pringle.

There’s a reason behind your loneliness, you have never been lucky in love
Your last flame was a Luther Vandross impersonator, he ran off with the noisy cow from the flat above.

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