09-01-12 LOVE HUMOUR WEEKLY SHOWCASE

09-01-12 Love Humour Weekly Showcase

This is funny: *takes a bow* *falls over* *shows knickers* And this is also funny: *stamps on kitten* *staples kitten to tiara* *wears tiara to Sainsburys* And funny can be Dad’s Army, and it can also be Brass Eye. It comes in many a shape and form and bra size. There are potatoes shaped like foofs – they’re quite funny, as well as tasty and nutritious. But you will find no vaginally-reminiscent root vegetables here. This here be the Love All Blogs Humour Category Weekly Showcase! Or, er, LABHCWS for short. Which, if said out loud, is a bit like a hacking cough. So attractive in a person, mais non? Anyway, we’re not here to woo you. Oh WAIT, we are. Shit. Look, I’ll come clean, all right? You like funny. I like funny. They *points to some pandas* like funny. And this here *points to LABHCWS* is VERY FUNNY. Let’s all MAKE LOVE and GIVE BIRTH TO SOME FUNNY BABIES. Alternatively, you could peruse this Showcase and find your own funny, feed it, pet it, nurture it, and eventually, make your own special funny, and submit it for next week. This will make me very happy. And I’m generous when I’m happy *lascivious wink* Till next time, funny-seekers! Hoopla! 

Introduction kindly written by that nutter Motherventing

Trouble Doubled – Ten reasons why Roy Wood can go and feck himself

Oh, I wish it could be Christmas everydaaaaaay. When the kids start singing and the band begins to play-ay-ay!! sings Roy Wood of glam-rock group Wizzard. For many he is THE voice of Christmas. I, for one, want to punch him in his beard-surrounded mouth.

Don’t misunderstand me – I love Christmas as much as the next 30-something, slightly-cynical female, however, I think to wish for it every single sodding day is, well, a step-too-far. Here’s why……

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The Baby Wife – What’s In a Name?

What's In a Name?

Not that tradition is always a good thing. Kate Hudson’s newborn son is called Bingham. Or Bing. As in Chandler Bing. I’m not entirely sure the fact that it is Goldie Hawn’s maiden name (or that Bing is her grandfather’s name) really justifies landing the poor child with a name that no doubt will lead to endless teasing? And do you really want to be reminded of ^^^that face when you say your child’s name? I wouldn’t think so…

I’m not the only one who gets upset by bad baby names…..

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Flossing the Cat – Dear Boss

My partner excels at romantic gestures. This year he bought me a book, wrapped in the prettiest red paper, with the magical word ‘Love’ in the title. Now I know what you’re thinking. Is it ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ by Gabriel Garcia Marquez? Is it ‘Love’ by Toni Morrison? Well no, it isn’t either of these. Great works of literary fiction only claim to change your life; my partner has bigger ambitions. His gift was a self-help book that will change my life for real. A book called ‘How to Get A Job You’ll Love’.

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Polythene Pram – Slipper Rage

I brought my Dad slippers for his birthday.
Not just any old slippers either. These were super-duper ones. Ones that you could warm in the microwave and would therefore keep your toes warm on a very cold night. The website assured me it was like having your feet up in front of an open fire.
That sounds nice, I thought – thinking about my Dad’s withered old toes. That sounded like something a little old man would really like. I thought he would be happy with my gift.
I was wrong.

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Multiple Mummy – Toilet humour

Toilet humour

What is it with toddlers and their fascination with finding everything poo or wee related funny or is it just mine?

We are a little wee and poo obsessed in my house at the moment as I have all three using the potty! There is constant praise and now all three will applaud each other when one is done. It however does not stop there, we have poo heads, poo pies, and yesterday I was shocked to hear Noah say let’s have a squirt fight, to which Little Madam attempted to hold her pretend willy and pee like a boy!

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My Funny Mummy – 15 Weeks

15 Weeks

After what seems an eternity of sleepless nights, bleeding nipples and a complete absence of personal hygiene, Betty today becomes fifteen weeks old. (I could add smiles, cuddles and beautiful giggles, but noting these would undermine my moan. We’ll pretend they never happen.)
Now a safe distance from the reality of that horrific 37 and a half hour ordeal (YES, the half hour IS important), we last night discussed the finale to nine months of me getting my own way, and the spectacular face plant back down to reality my unpoetic, completely non fairytale, epidural spattered grunt fest actually was.

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Up Yours Gina Ford – Watch Your Back 2012 – I’m Coming To Get You

Watch Your Back 2012 - I'm Coming To Get You

Call it the sobering-up process. Call it Sandie Shaw in her hotpants on Hootenanny looking like Jessie J’s mother. Call it the sneaky side of my brain that acts like it’s trying to help me with its words of ‘advice’ but is actually just trying to screw things up (a bit like the time this girl at school suggested I’d look good with a perm when really she just wanted to get off with this boy we both liked who, it transpired, was very much not into the whole ginger-Anita-Dobson look). My mood switched.

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Adventures of an Ordinary Parent – You know you’re watching too much Cbeebies when…

You know you're watching too much Cbeebies when...

Someone asks you which band you like and, without even thinking about it, you reply, “Zingzillas”.

You see Justin Fletcher everywhere.

You only know when spring / summer / autumn / winter is officially over because Cbeebies changes its season song.

You fancy Mr Bloom.

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Goldilocks And My Three Bears – 10 Ways To Keep Calm When Your In-Laws Annoy You

Following recent events it’s safe to say I’m rather cheesed off at my in-laws! I find it difficult to let certain things go – especially when it comes to them! This post is meant purely as a joke *cough* and I have NEVER *cough* actually done all or any of these to my in-laws. *further cough*

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Michael Cargill – Casserole dish looking forward to a new challenge

Casserole dish looking forward to a new challenge

A cream-coloured casserole dish has described itself as “feeling upbeat” and “dead serious about tackling something a bit more exotic in future”. The dish, which was received as a Christmas present from an old aunt in Canada, told us “At first life was great and stress free. I would go in the oven, sit there for 45 minutes on gas mark 7, and then come out again and everything would be dished up. It was all hunky dory”. However this continued humdrum existence was simply not enough for the Deluxe Easy Wipe kitchen utensil.

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Mummy’s Little Monkey – What to do with your leftover Xmas Turkey foil…

Got some tin foil leftover from your Christmas Turkey? Is it too bloody long to fit in any of your drawers? Don’t waste – innovate!!

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Lakes Single Mum – Out of the mouth of babes

I had one of those conversations with my 4 year old son this morning:

My son: Mummy can I do a wee before I get dressed?

Me: I’d never stop you doing a wee or you’ll end up with a kidney like your sister (she has one kidney smaller than the other due to urine infections)

My son: But mummy I don’t have a kidney I have a willy!

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Mummy..Mummy..MUM!! – Did I come from an egg?

On one of our somewhat difficult car journey’s over Christmas I was sat trying to fall asleep. Baby H and S were sat in the back fighting over a taggie blanket, Hubby was singing loudly to a terrible 80s song and Z was obviously deep in thought, as through the chaos a little voice piped up with.

“Mummy, did I come from an egg”

Me “errrrm”

Z “you know like on ‘Happy feet’ like the penguins?”

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Here come the Girls – Things I’d Love to Say

Things I'd Love to Say

The twins are nearly 18 months and the comments from random passers by are starting to grate. And when I say that I mean, that if someone else tells me I’ve got my hands full I will have to grate off my ears with a rusty cheese grater. Today I was trying to take them for a little walk to pick up their sister. It was the first time I’d taken both of them on the reins and I think we all did really well.

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The Fragile X Files – 2nd Grade Math

2nd Grade Math

Subtraction, 2nd grade. The problem is

11 – 7 =

It’s too hard!

I ask “Will it be easier if I make up a story?”

“Okay, you have 7 dollars in your purse. We are shopping at Once Upon A Child and you find an awesome, authentic American Girl outfit for sale, for 11 dollars. That’s kind of a lot for a used outfit, but you want it bad. You have 7 dollars. How much do I have to spot you, in order for you to have enough for that expensive outfit?”

She looks interested….

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Military Dad – The Power of SWO

In the Navy, I’m classified as a SWO, which stands for Surface Warfare Officer.

As we were sitting at the table, our daughter looked at me and asked what the pin was that was on my uniform. I replied that it was my SWO pin, and it made me awesome. She looked at me and asked, “Does it have any super powers?” While I couldn’t really think of any at the moment, there are a ton of powers associated with that little piece of metal. Here is just a few of them that I’ve come up with so far.

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Polythene Pram – Gummy Bum

You would never guess what my friend found in her knicers this New Year….
True story!

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All Sweetness and Life. – Out with the Old.

Apparently this time of year sees the highest rate of people getting divorced, starting affairs, signing up to dating websites and throwing themselves off bridges. The correlation, I would imagine, comes in the form of those not doing one of the first three but opting for the forth. Which, on the bright side, would strike me as the most cost effective option, albeit slightly more final.

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geekmummy – I never expected her first time to be at a friends house

I never expected her first time to be at a friends house

It’s something you have to think very hard about. The first time. Not to be undertaken too lightly, not to be left too late. Who wants their child finding out about this stuff in the playground? It is clearly something that needs a lot of thought, and has to be handled right. I always thought the geekdaughter’s first time would be at home, with both her parents sharing the experience with her. Which is why I was shocked last weekend when the she had her first experience at a friend’s house…

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maidinyorkshire – How I regained my mojo. Not.

One chance remark about lost mojos, and my kind friends decide that what I needed for Christmas was a how-to-regain-it manual.

And we’re not talking a second-hand copy of the 70s must-laugh tome The Joy of Sex.

No: this is Paul Joannides’ The Guide To Getting It On! It’s a hippy-free zone; there’s no stuff about ‘closing and constricting the Yoni until it holds the Lingam … finally acting as the hand of the Gopla-girl who milks the cow’ (come again?); there’s not a kaftan or a stray underarm hair in sight.

But will it turn me into a sex goddess?

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Mammasaurus – Smokin’ Hot Trolley Pusher

Trolley pusher guy is a mystery to me however, this is because he’s got a certain, how can I put it? ‘Look’ about him. He’s either a really cool indie kid who is rocking the rather smouldering Nick Cave vibe OR he’s a social reject who trawls the main road for road kill that he can take back to his mother to roast for his tea. It’s a close call.

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SAHDandproud – Crafty Corner

I was having a chat with my old Bridge partner @motherventing the other day, and I came to the conclusion that in order to make my blog, bigger, badder and up there in the Tots100 top ten list I need in need to introduce something else into the mix to get people frothing at the gash, so to speak.

Craft.

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Thinking Chimp – Very Grim And Slightly Pervy Fairy Tails Presents… ‘Fairy Sleepy’

There once was a fairy who was pale, quite pale, who had a tail, which was pale, and liked the odd cocktail. She sang mostly punk rock as she wisped about, but she didn’t collect the teeth of those fallen out…

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