16-01-12 Love Humour weekly showcase

16-01-12 Love Humour Weekly Showcase

Forget the dull political satires of Aristophanes. Forget the Elizabethan comedies of Shakespeare and that utterly boring bastard, Ben Jonson. Forget Oscar Wilde’s comedies of manners and George Bernard Shaw endlessly banging on about social justice. (Beardy-weirdy.) At last, we have the dawn of a new Golden Age of Comedy. A new and relevant form of social satire/comedy that engages with issues we care about today. Fiscal policy, the criminal justice system, homelessness, youth unemployment, make-up, chocolateBONGO BOOBIESFacebook, vajajas and zombies. (Bloody strike-throughs. I’m always getting them wrong. Bear with me…)

Take Mammasaurus’s blog about her rotting bleeding VAJAJA. This is not JUST an excuse to list as many bawdy references to women’s genitalia as humanly possible, oh no no no, this is an example of comedy as pungent political farce; an attempt to celebrate and de-stigmatise the beautiful menstruating vagina. Consider, also, the literary tribute to Buffy the Vampire’s CAKEY MUFF found on Hell of a Woman’s blog. This ‘poem’ might seem like the feverish ramblings of a blogger high on laudanum, but it is also (is it not)  a complex double-edge comment on the sexualisation AND objectification of women in the media. As well as cakey muff.

Then there’s My Funny Mummy’s outburst about a malfunctioning sewage pipe that deposits actual faecal matter on her doormat, which not only takes comedy back to its scatological roots in the comedies of ancient Greece, but also provides a powerful metaphor for the way Capitalism encroaches on every aspect of our lives.  Listen, read it for yourself if you don’t believe me! It’s on the motherfucking reading list for the term … 

Fucking numbskulls.

In short, I propose that the Love All Blogs Humour Showcase is nothing less than genius. It might seem like a contemporary mash-up of blogs about pregnant belly buttons that look like doorbellskids saying inappropriate but adorable thingsbloody baked beans, black/pink holes, a very funny story about a giraffe, a toddler, and an overheard conversation in a café, and MUCH MUCH MORE. But it is not just that! I’m telling you. And if anyone as much as threatens to leave this lecture theatre again, I’m locking the doors.  

Oh, hang on. It seems we may have to pause. A theatrical-looking woman wearing a tiara is mouthing something at me through the door…

Motherventing: It’s supposed to be a short introduction, you mentalist.

Flossing the Cat: Oh my god. Why is there a kitten stapled to your tiara? You’re scaring the shit out of me…  

Motherventing: What do you think, duh? It’s a comment on the oppression of the weak and vulnerable by royalty. Innit.  Now wrap it up, before I punch you in the pussy.

Flossing the Cat: Oh, yeah. I see it now. You’re a genius.

* motherventing leaves, scratching muff * 

So anyway, as I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, read the showcase, enjoy. Apologies to those to whom I haven’t linked in this week’s intro. (I was going to, but then that nutter stopped me, so I’ll have to make amends next time …) Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to phone social services and the rspca… 

Um, thanks. 

Introduction kindly written by the funny one who calls her knockers ‘The Mildreds’  Flossing The Cat

Trouble Doubled – Shit I say over and over again

Shit I say over and over again

Don’t you think that some days you could easily get sick of your own damn voice? I know I do, regularly. I find myself saying the same stuff over and over and over and over……… (you get the idea), so thought I’d treat you all to a select few things I find myself repeating on an almost daily basis. How many of these do you say too?

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I’m Counting UFOs – How I Flashed For A GlossyBox

How I Flashed For A GlossyBox

Yesterday, whilst I was in the bath, trying to grab five minutes to myself to wash my hair, I almost missed the delivery of my very first GlossyBox.

Picture the scene:

There I am, head submerged, listening to my own heartbeat, when my peace and relative calm is shattered by a loud knocking. Someone at the door, how damn TYPICAL. I gingerly open one eye and there, gurning down at me, is Elliot-kid, block in hand, banging on the side of the bath.

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Missing Sleep – Surviving a Zombie Attack with Kids

I think I would have enough trouble surviving a zombie attack on my own, I am not particularly agile, I do not have the muscles of a well toned beef cake, my survival skills are at best limited, not sure I could forage in the wild, light a fire or construct anything useful out of twigs.

What I do know it would be a MILLION times harder with my two running around alongside me. So I have some guidelines for those who after watching one horror film too many (in my case blame hubbie!) have given it lots of thought!

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Flossing the Cat – HOW I LOVE A GOOD VALETING

Not so long ago I took my car for a Gold Valet at a national car-wash chain. Usually I don’t go anywhere near car-washes or anything car-wash related. Whilst I’m not the kind of nutter who imagines that the giant foam brushes will crash through my windscreen or make me feel like I’m in a coffin, oh no no no, I’m still nervous of all those instructions about engaging certain gears, and stopping when certain lights flash, and how, if you’re not following the instructions, you might be KILLED or MAIMED in an unimaginably freakish way.

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My Funny Mummy – Fan-Daby-Dozy

Fan-Daby-Dozy

Today. I’ll be honest. Not brilliant. Three reasons.

1.Woke to huge puddle of actual faecal matter lapping back door step. No insurance. Father-in-law and Dyno Rods otherwise engaged until 6pm. Tightly closed windows, pegs on noses and absolutely no naked flames were order of the day. Fortunately, after a full days work, there is nothing most people love more than the chance to kneel in thick, stinking mud, on a dark, mid winter night, and spend the whole evening poking grids, encouraging gurglings and generally revising for a new quiz show I like to call “Who’s Poo Is It Anyway?”

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Mammasaurus – beware the smell of death

beware the smell of death

Second fact – if you put the ‘sanitary’ towel in in a hurry or whilst under the influence of gin there is an 85% probability factor that you will get a bit of the sticky backing stuck to your lady garden and have to remove it PAINFULLY.

Sanitary towels are comparable to the sweaty bit of paper you find under mince in pre-packed supermarket packets and I’m not about to start lining my knickers with them.

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MotherWifeMe – Revealed: My secret to cutting chocolate consumption in our household

Revealed: My secret to cutting chocolate consumption in our household

So, the secret to cutting chocolate consumption in our household? I hide it from my husband.

Yes, it really is that simple. I discovered this potent way to reduce chocolate consumption last week, when said husband had the Winter Vomiting Virus. I didn’t want him to be eating stuff that would continue to upset his stomach, so I hid the two bars of Green&Blacks that arrived in our delivery (it was on special)…

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Cheetahs In My Shoes – Cheetahs in Mudland

Cheetahs in Mudland

When in MudLand the little Cheetahs seem to be able to do whatever they’d like – mainly make mud balls (as opposed to snow balls) and throw them at each other. They can jump in muddy puddles, cover their spots with mud and generally have a jolly good time. I think they have extra plastic covers on the seats on the aeroplane so it doesn’t get too muddy when they come home – as I am assured they only go in the bath when they get back here.

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A Mummy Too – J’adore…J’accuse!

J'adore...J'accuse!

Mummy, you’ve got lots of lovers – Joel, 4
Yep, that’s what Joel said to me yesterday evening as we sat around the dinner table:
Joel: Mummy, you’ve got lots of lovers!
Me: *shocked face* Pardon, darling?
Joel: You’ve got lots and LOTS of lovers!

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The good life mum – My husband is in the dog house

My husband is in the dog house

My husband is in the dog house all i have to temp you with is BONGO BOOBIES and Spiting at old ladies and Darth Vader read more if you dare to find out

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Actually Mummy… – The Black/Pink Hole

The Black/Pink Hole

H is for hole

If you have not read the story of the black hole, take a look (it is quite possible that it is the funeeist post I have ever written), but it boils down to a bad dream the Bug once had, about being chased by a black hole. Mummy always helps us create an alternative image of really bad dreams so that they don’t bother us again. I filled the Bug’s black hole with candy floss, hence the pink:

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Butwhymummywhy – This is a baby shop..

3 year old Noo has a business proposition. A baby shop, where she buys and sells babies. Come and see her video…!

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Older Mum (In A Muddle) – Bloody Baked Beans And Secrets I Shouldn’t Divulge

During the heady early days of my relationship with Younger Dad I slyly tricked him into believing that giant dinosaur hamsters once roamed the earth. He bought it hook line and sinker. Bless him. He was so loved up and misty eyed that he was rendered defenceless against my wily tales. He was not amused when I fessed up. Now whenever he is hit upon by a viral bout of gullibility I always remind him much to his continued annoyance of the ‘dinosaur hamster’.

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Older Mum (In A Muddle) – Bloody Baked Beans And Secrets I Shouldn’t Divulge

I am cunning as a crafty fox and the mouse in the Gruffalo. During the heady early days of my relationship with Younger Dad I slyly tricked him into believing that giant dinosaur hamsters once roamed the earth. He bought it hook line and sinker. Bless him. He was so loved up and misty eyed that he was rendered defenceless against my wily tales. He was not amused when I fessed up. Now whenever he is hit upon by a viral bout of gullibility I always remind him much to his continued annoyance of the ‘dinosaur hamster’

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Mummy Cool – There’s One Born Every Minute …

There's One Born Every Minute ...

This week I watched the glorious weep-fest that is One Born Every Minute which started a new series on Channel Four.

I was ALLOWED to watch it with the minimum of teenage tutting and man-panicking because one of the midwives appearing in the programme is my cousin’s daughter. This practically makes me a friend to the stars and so viewing is tolerated under the strict proviso I don’t get, in any way, ever, even in the slightest, little bit, AT ALL, broody……

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Simplyoutnumbered – wot so funee

Is it just mine or do your kids never listen on the first ask, unless it’s for sweets or a trip to the park! A few weeks ago after asking Jenna to do something for the millionth fifth time the following conversation ensued:

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A Hell Of A Woman – A midnight wandering in the buff

…So, I took the opportunity to challenge fingers to write me a “cheering up song” with the condition it include 2 of my favourite things; Buffy and cake. In return, I promised I’d post the results here on my blog. I hope you enjoy what his post-midnight brain fuelled with beer and wine came up with. I did!

I wandered lonely in twittering world,
A post was all she asked
To write a verse, like a wandering fool
And in glory then to bask

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mammasaver – Revealed – what happens on The Other Side (of thrifty living)…

Revealed - what happens on The Other Side (of thrifty living)...

At this point, the two girls with hair, heels and handbags blew into the cafe, shaking off the rain from their cream coats. Hastily choosing their seats, they sat down at the table next to ours. Right next to ours, that is, barely than a chair’s space between us.

It became quickly apparent that the girls were having One of Those Conversations – important, heartfelt, private. Why on earth did they choose to sit next to us? Sweet lord.

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The Princess and The Pickle – Snap Slappers – Pirate Penguins!

Snap Slappers - Pirate Penguins!

This photo of a penguin playing peekaboo was taken on a recent visit to Marwell Wildlife…

Part of Five Go Blogging’s Snap Slappers Meme.

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Michael Cargill – Facebook suicide survivor tells his tale

Facebook suicide survivor tells his tale

Hi there. My name is John May and until recently I was a Facebook addict. For a long time there was no activity too minor or mundane that didn’t warrant some kind of a status update. I would take screenshots of unposted updates and save them for a future ‘out-takes’ compilation. Of course, this dedication meant that other aspects of my life suffered. Once, when my dog poo’ed on the floor, I posted pictures of it rather than clear it up.

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Boo Roo and Tigger Too – Conversations with a 5 year old – Missing sock

Whilst walking home from town this afternoon Roo noticed a sock laying on the ground…

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Dummy Mummy – Invasion of the Body Snatchers

I am suddenly Very Pregnant. Not that I am suddenly pregnant, but suddenly I look pregnant. Very, very pregnant. So pregnant, I am worried that in 20 weeks time I will be having a home-birth, not because of the comfortable surroundings or to exercise my birthing choices, but simply because I can no longer leave the house due to the doors being too narrow (or me being too wide. Whatever.).

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geekmummy – Coping with arguments

Coping with arguments

We’re going through quite a challenging time with the geekdaughter at the moment. There’s the waking up and crying in the middle of the night, which could either be for a probably valid reason (“my knee hurts”) or for a reason that makes me really exasperated (“I don’t want to be alone!”). And then there’s the arguing back. She has really started pushing the limits and answering back, and it’s getting very waring. Well, apart from the times when it’s funny…

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maidinyorkshire – The Truly Potty List

As I look at the ‘Potty List” I can’t help but feel that there’s something missing.

Ah yes: vomiting in your parent’s dressing gown pocket. Daddy’s dressing gown pocket, to be precise. Ho ho.

And while I’m at it, how about:

Snipping the whiskers off a cat

Telling a Tesco assistant that Mummy has a stuck poo

Shouting very loudly: ‘Daddy, why is your nipple so big?’ during the praying bit of a carol service. It wasn’t a nipple: it was a notebook in his shirt pocket.

Asking Granny why she has a beard

Giving your also-toddler sister (who previously looked like Rapunzel) a DIY crew cut

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SAHDandproud – Confession Time

Confession Time

I have a confession to make.

I’m not always a nice person.

You might know me from these posts and my tweets as someone who is candid, honest, truthful and sometimes a little bit stupid. But, confuse me not with a nice person, for I am not that.

Why am I not a nice person? Well, let me confess something to you.

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motherventing – Thrush

What? WHAT?? WHAT IS THIS?? HOW? And WHY?

I’ve had thrush before. Years ago. But not like THIS.

OK, OK, for the squeamish amongst you – and c’mon, man up, we’re all adults, we can talk about this stuff, yeah? – I’ll use a nice, suitable, less manky analogy instead.

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Forest Bump and Beyond – The perfect role-model for Baby is…

The perfect role-model for Baby is...

….. Harvey the hound! If he follows his 10 tips for living with us, he won’t go far wrong.

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