The Fatherload 05-11-11

Autumn hit us this week. ‘Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness.’ Not around my parts. On a walk back from playgroup this week it was so wet outside I’m sure I saw an albatross leading us home.
What with the clocks going back last weekend, the kids were all a bit discombobulated and getting up at 5.00am, and I was in a foul mood for two days. The trick or treaters that interrupted dinner and bedtime made me want to kill. Again.

But I’m cheered now. Like leaves falling from the trees, these posts have come our way, blown by the breeze of insipiration. When the clocks went back these blogging meistermen they used this time effectively. An extra hour in bed? Nope. A bit of sexytime with their other half? Nay way Jos! An hour on the blog. You bet your sweet bahookie!
None of these men will come along and disturb your dinner times. None will make you want to kill. These men have tricks for sure, and all are treats.

As always, we’re looking for more new dad blogs each week. Spread the good word, and let your people know that you LOVEDADBLOGS dot com.

Military Dad

How Did I Become a Fake Swearer

I always used to laugh at the people that would stub their toe and then exclaim, “Fudge!” Come on people, just let the real swear words fly. You’ll feel much better about it. It’s like a weight has been lifted off your chest, and your pain just magically disappears. Behold the power of cursing!

When I was young, I would sit on the floor with my father and listen to George Carlin records where I learned pearls like “the 7 words that you can’t say on TV.” I took pride in my ability to tie together impressive strings of expletives. I am a sailor, after all. I have a reputation to uphold and stereotypes to live up to. I could make firefighters run for cover. Grown men would curl up in the fetal position with a feeling of awe, and young boys would make a bee-line for the nearest church. Young girls would hide behind their mother’s skirts, who would in turn hide behind their mother’s skirts and so on, until there were several generations of women hiding behind each other. Let’s just say that I could make an impact. Then I had kids and things changed.

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Luke, I am Your Father

4 Year Old Mind Tricks

Do you know what I LOVE about being a dad? Well yes, most of it so far has been pretty terrific, but what I am actually referring to *this* time are those little moments, or things your kid does which take you by complete surprise and make you laugh out loud.

I had one of those moments last night.

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Superheroes – Which Are You?


What does the Silver Surfer, the Juggernaut and the Beast have to do with 3DFitLife? That they’re ripped, athletic physical specimens any boy would aspire to be? True but their pull, for me, was far more than that.

Like most kids, I longed to be older, faster, bigger, stronger and ultimately rule the world! “Back then” none of these things could come soon enough. So Marvel comics provided a convenient escape from the ups and downs of growing up as a youth.

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Life with a new born, things to expect!


As some of you will know, amongst other things, I am quite a twitter addict. Recently I have been dealing with questions from some new dads that have surprised me. Especially when they have come from dads that had attended traditional antenatal classes.

Anyway I decided to go out to dads on twitter and ask them what they wish they had been told, I was surprised by the answers as nearly all of them are part of my core section, life with a new born. It has now persuaded me to run a number of pieces on what to expect once baby is here, so today we start with the following points. If I haven’t featured your points today don’t worry I will, this subject is going to run a while I think!!

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Mutterings of a fool

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I will begin

Mutterings of a fool

This is a story about a little girl.

A little girl who smiled and laughed her way through every day

A little girl who is wide awake and alert, taking in the world through her big blue eyes

A little girl who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to tell you

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Daddy’s Law

In Daddy We Trust

As my little girl lay calmly in my arms the other night I thought of the giant shoes I would have to fill as a father. Yes, of course I thought about my own dad and how much of an influence he had on my life. I thought about how it would not be easy to be as great a dad as he was. I also thought about my incredible uncles and their influence. Then I began to think of the other greats of yesterday and today.

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Sometimes, when I’m in the library and when I have the courage, I pick up a copy of the parenting magazine they have on the shelves for loan. I don’t want to buy one I just like perusing to see if there are any top tips. Plus, they cost a fortune!

Usually I come away feeling that I am woefully inadequate as a parent. The parenting magazines I look at make me question whether I am doing things correctly. Is my parenting good enough?

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Boobie talk, Polos & Hello Kitty’s cat food


I’ve mentioned before that certain people in the household are growing up rather fast.
The B in particular, it seems, is closing in on middle age.
The other day, The B&G had been good so I offered them a post-lunch treat.
Such things live in the aptly-named Treat Drawer, a receptacle that is, at present, rather well stocked.
The G, as is her wont, chose something chocolate.
“I’d like a Polo,” declared The B, selecting mints that hadn’t been intended for the household’s smaller members.
Had the drawer contained some Werther’s Originals (The W, who is herself growing up fast, likes them), I have no doubt that he’d have chosen them instead.
Treat time over, I asked The B if he’d enjoyed his Polo.
“Absolutely,” he answered.
You see, he’s not even talking like a four-year-old these days.

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Toys they never give up

With Christmas around the corner we get to the stage of them saying ‘I want that’ to every TV advert that pops up. Every year we go through the same thing of selecting what to buy them and trying to stick to some sort of budget.

When the day finally arrives it seems the wrapping paper is more interesting or they go and play with something someone else has gotten.

But there is always a collection of toys that they never seem to get bored of and they are normally the ones that cost the least.

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CleverFather – Advice for Dads

Why Kids Bite and How to Stop it

Biting and toddlers.

They go together like peanut butter and jelly. Like hot chocolate and marshmallows Like a cold beer on a hot summer day. Biting is a rite of passage that nearly every parent has to go through at some point.

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Three Little Flowers

Two Feed or Not Two Feed

Three Little Flowers

A few of our friends have had twins and one of the things they have told us about is feeding both of the girls at the same time. Even the sound of this sounds fraught with difficulties. After a couple of attempts it’s proving to be just as difficult as it sounds.

The level of concentration required is probably beyond most blokes. So far it’s certainly beyond me! Ayrton Senna winning the Brazil Grand Prix in torrential rain stuck in sixth gear levels of concentration is what I’m talking about. My concentration span on a nice day with a good nights sleep and a healthy breakfast can stretch as far as 4 minutes. This seems to be someway short of what’s required particularly as most of the time I have missed breakfast and not slept.

Believe it or not thats not even the trickiest bit. It appears to require 20 minutes of intense concentration on TWO things at once. Yep thats right two things at the same time. What’s that I hear you say? Surely it can’t be done! At the moment I’m inclined to agree.

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Bringing up Charlie

Does being a stay-at-home dad make you less of a man?

This is a blog about a stay-at-home dad. One who has always felt fine in his own skin, not worried unduly about his identity, been ok with his own brand of masculinity. I’ve done this job – the stay-at-home dad bit – for three years now. But it’s only recently I’ve thought seriously about this question – does being a stay-at-home dad make you less of a man?

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Bringing Up Charlie

Does being a stay-at-home dad make you less of a man?

How we define ourselves is a complex issue and no doubt stay-at-home mums have known about this problem all along. But it’s taken me some time to appreciate that the other part of my day-to-day existence – writing – is a useful cover. I can tell people that’s what I do (a bit like Andrew Watson, the other guest on the programme) instead of own up to being nothing but a house husband. Because that does carry with it certain negative connotations – ‘kept’ man (I’d like to add ‘toy boy’ but age prevents me) and so on. The expectation is that I should be out there hunting, bringing home the bacon and then going to watch the football and having a beer. And this expectation isn’t confined to men, either. So, with my sensitive antennae tuned to perfection, I pick up on the negative vibes and change my definition -of myself – according to the person I’m addressing.

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Dude of the House

You Make Me Sick

Dude of the House

Just 10 days shy of the Little Dude’s 2nd birthday we had a big “First” milestone this weekend. And everyone has been shocked to hear that we got by this long without it happening already. After skating by for 721 days unscathed BC somehow managed to acquire his first fever.

We took BC to the park on Saturday morning where he ran around for a while and went on the slide about 62 times. We hoped to tire him a bit before taking him on a really fun errand: quality time at the Sprint store. Obviously we didn’t spend enough time beforehand at the park, because he proceeded to run around the store and pick up chics for 2 solid hours afterward. And I got to be the chaser.

Needless to say when we left the store, I was tired and hungry. But I’m an old Dude…

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Love Parenting by Mamas & Papas

Quite what did I use to do with my time?

Love Parenting by Mamas & Papas

I mean seriously what did I do? I don’t know I really don’t. I try to jog my memory as to what I did but I only got as far as sleeping in and staying up late. Neither of which are much of an option these days.

My days felt so full but they can’t have been – they just can’t! Anyone who has had a kid knows what a full day is, no question

For me it’s a day that starts at 6am and ends at 7.30pm…. If I’m lucky.

It usually starts at 6am when my body finally tells me to give in to the wee I have been holding in since about 3am or else go into renal failure. This is always horrible of course, as you know you don’t want to move. Moving gives your child a reason to get up. I can always imagine Zach by the door, stethoscope in hand, waiting to hear something like a dog breaking wind 4 blocks down or small animal sighing in the nearest field. Movement and noise MUST mean it’s time to get up and play.

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Dad’s in the Kitchen! Blog

Where Marshmallows Grow

Where do marshmallows come from? That all depends.

Being a father has certain privileges. Not many, but some.

‘Dad!’, my youngest called as she ran into the kitchen, just one quick step ahead of her sisters.

‘Where ….’ (she was catching her breath)…

‘….do marshmallows come from?’ the twins finished.

‘Well,’ I said, sipping my coffee, ‘that depends’.

‘What?’ they all said.

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Natural, wild marshmallows used to grow in swampy areas, covered by mists, on marshmallow bushes protected by tufted marsh spiders. The spider webs made them nearly invisible. You could only collect the marshmallow fruit at night, when the spiders were sleeping, and there’s no mist. Otherwise, they were too sticky.’

My youngest was absorbing this, thinking about how easy it would be to find any out back. The twins were having none of it.

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Goodbye, Pert Breasts

Craniology, Leonardo DiCaprio, and the art of being happy all the time

Goodbye, Pert Breasts

After months of trying everything we possibly could to help my 18-month old son sleep through the night, my wife and I recently turned to craniology therapy – otherwise known as ‘I’m going to legally touch your child’. Now, I don’t want to say too much here, for two reasons: as I write this it’s past midnight, and I want to go to bed; and I’m going to be writing about this very topic for Parentdish pretty soon, and don’t want to end up plagiarising myself, if that’s at all possible.

Long story short, following Noah’s visit to and subsequent prodding by a craniologist person, he seemed a lot more chilled out and happy. I asked my wife how long this lasts, to which she quite innocently replied: ‘Forever, I think.’

Now, whilst I dispute the effects of craniology rendering someone incredibly relaxed indefinitely and just wandering through life without a care in the world, completely oblivious to their surroundings, it made me wonder what it would look like. And, to illustrate this, I used the common ‘Strut Leo’ meme, featuring Mr Baby Face himself, Leonardo DiCaprio.

Could craniology be the solution to the world’s problems?

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Cleaning Up


We need new carpet. We need new cupboards and possibly a new laundry and one day the miraculous concatenation of asbestos, concrete and tiles that does the job of our roof will have to go but right now we need new carpet in the lounge room.

This is out children’s fault and no one should suffer a moment’s wasted time thinking the responsibility lies anywhere else.

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