Love Humour Blogs

23-01-12 Love Humour Weekly Showcase

Right, just IGNORE what Madam Flossing wrote last week, the minx. I am not, nor will not ever never be ever, ‘theatrical-looking’. Yes, I do have a tiara of kittens. I do. Who doesn’t? *listens into earpiece* They don’t? Oh. Shit. 
ANYWAY, moving swiftly on. Y’all are coming back here for more of that ‘funny stuff’. And by ‘funny stuff’ I don’t mean the cakes that Stoner Pete baked for me the other day. No, I’m talking about the sheer comedic magnitude of bloggers that contribute to the Love All Blogs Weekly Humour Showcase (or whatever it’s called). We had LOADS last week. Mammasaurus had to literally SHOVEL THEM INTO HER HARD-DRIVE. And then, because she was laughing so much, she had to change the mattress on her giant toadstool-shaped bed within her boudoir of doom. It’d be OK, but several denizens were crushed during the shifting of the mattress. And it’s SO HARD to find good denizens these days. 
No matter. There is funny contained here within these four internet walls… funny that could shatter icebergs, funny that could scale mountains, funny that could, er, shift the soggy mattress on the Mammasaurus-platz. We are talking mega-funny-business. Innit.
So if you read and like what we’re proffering here, get yo’self writing your own brand of ‘funny stuff’ and send it all in. And, um, Stoner Pete? You can send your ‘funny stuff’ in too. 
DON’T DO DRUGS, KIDS. 

Introduction kindly written by the funny one with the nipples of steel – Queen Biscuit  aka Motherventing

SaveEveryStep – family stories past and present – Christmas of Yesteryear – 1975

Christmas of Yesteryear - 1975

I’ve been itching to drag this photo out, so thanks to Tara at Sticky Fingers for giving me an excuse!

It’s such a terrible picture, but still makes me laugh, some 36 years later.

It features my big brother, Neil, looking a lot more like our mum than he perhaps intended!!!

LOL

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Up Yours Gina Ford – Olive Sucker. Shouter. Dishwasher Bitch

And that brings me to childcare. When I’ve had a bad day and I’m calling my husband at work, weeping ‘she just brushed her teeth with my FUCKING Beauty Flash Balm. I can’t do this anymore’ down the phone at him, I tell myself I couldn’t give a hoot who looks after the kids. My husband; an unqualified, slaggy au pair with a sex addiction; an affable chimp with a basic grasp of communicative grunts – a lot of the time, I’d happily hand them over to any one of these.

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MotherWifeMe – Could I have the [reality] check please?

So here I am, day two of the Tinkerous Toddler being at nursery. My laptop and I are ensconced in a lovely little café on Columbia Road in the East End. The tinkerous one is being kept amused and stimulated by those lovely Montessori people, whilst ‘we’ sit at the back of this café and I chomp my way through a blue cheese and prosciutto ciabatta sandwich. Fabulous.

Yep, this is the life. It’s just as I imagined it.

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Hot For Writing – Naked Man in Children’s Clothing Ad? Oops…

Naked Man in Children’s Clothing Ad? Oops…

The photograph, which was being used to illustrate La Redoute’s children’s beachwear range, showed four children running towards the camera in the foreground, whilst in the background a nude male could clearly be seen strolling towards the shore. To compound the problem, La Redoute provided a ‘magnify’ feature on the web page in question, allowing customers to zoom in to view close-up detailing of the children’s clothing… and the man’s penis. Unfortunate.

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Polythene Pram – He Ain;’t Nothing But A Hound Dog

What does my baby and my dog have in common…?

Read this blog and see if you agree…It’s all true (I promise) Even the beardy bit

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Tales of the Sticking, Picking and Finger Licking Years – Do you know your cocks from your beavers?

Isn’t one of the greatest pleasures of parenthood teaching your offspring about the world? What plants need to grow, what causes a river to meander, the purpose of bees, how a car engine works…… Imparting knowledge to help them to make sense of this crazy world around them.

With this in mind, I was really looking forward to our trip to the zoo.

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My Funny Mummy – First Run

First Run

OH DEAR.
I haven’t run anywhere, at all, since November 2010.
It was always going to be hard. It was always going to hurt. It was always going to be embarrassing. But

JESUS CHRIST ON A BIKE.

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Diane Gets Crafty – A Case Of Mistaken Identity…Or Was It?

A Case Of Mistaken Identity…Or Was It?

After painting butterflies, spiderman and a host of flower fairies and notably for the very first time of my 18 years of face painting, a volcano (!) another child referred to me as Rosie to her mummy. I mentioned to this mummy that that was the second time today and did she know why ?
Rosie is on CBeebies. She is a ragdoll character who wears ribbons in her hair.
AAAAAh! So that’s it!
Spot the difference.
I know, I know. Totally indistinguishable.
I love my job. The life of a children’s party entertainer is just full of surprises!

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Diane Gets Crafty – A Facepaint Fiasco

A Facepaint Fiasco

So, Aunty Lena was able to tackle most challenges in the face painting department, including rising to tractors and even racing cars.

However, there was one memorable exception: the notorious, hysterical case of the rocket…

I looked over at sweet four year old to see her with a white rocket shaped object , but with a red triangular tip on her cheek. Child is blissfully unaware of the two ladies in front of her starting to giggle.

I realised the rocket was missing engines.

Paint some engines on, I suggested. That should do it.

NOOOOOOOOOO!

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Chloe Witters – A guide to clothes shopping with your baby. AKA, Just don’t bother.

A guide to clothes shopping with your baby. AKA, Just don't bother.

Shopping with Arlo goes like this:

Navigate narrow aisles picking up after Arlo as he pulls all the clothes off the racks.

Channel ‘I am clearly busy, don’t you dare try to stop me’ vibes towards the charity people as you push along a screaming child.

Remind yourself of your body three years ago. ‘Oh, those were the days. These clothes would have looked great on you then. Why the hell did I complain about my figure back then??’

Realise that Arlo has escaped through the gap at the bottom of the changing room door.

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Romanian mum in London – Do you love mummy?

I was very happy to come home early tonight! I was even more happy to hug and kiss my lovely daughter!

I gave her a really big HUG and told her:
“Kara mummy loves you very much!”
And then she just looked at me…
You see she usually says:
“Love you too!”
Because she didn’t I went on and asked her:
“Kara do you love mummy?”

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Me He & Them – Sometimes It Does Not Pay To Get Out Of Bed

I’m not a morning person and Mondays are particularly brutal for me. On this particular Monday, I dashed out the door without so much as a drop of coffee. So after depositing Little Miss A at school, I made my way through our local grocery store; dragging my basket behind me and mindlessly filling it in a complete haze. I managed to fight through the cobwebs in my head to plan a week’s worth of meals: nutritious and well balanced with enough variety; not bad, I thought. I waited patiently to pay and

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Missing Sleep – In Search of Sick

Yes as strange as it sounds this is quite a HUGE pastime of my hubbies.Every time we go for a walk on the beach, which is quite often, given as it is literally on our doorstep. Hubbie is looking for sick, but not any sick. The particular brand he is interested in is whale sick.

It is a hugely lucrative business as it is used to make perfume and is rare to find.

But I cannot say I am overly pleased hubbie is combing the beach for something hard and black/brown looking… in my opinion it’s asking for trouble!

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Older Mum (In A Muddle) – That’s Not My Name

Spagsa/ Spagbowl. What? Yes, quite. This was a very random name a bunch of mates at University with a penchant for raving and partying unexpectedly addressed me with one afternoon whilst sat around an aging kitchen table supping builders brew and munching on the only meal of the day, Hobnobs. This name unfortunately stuck for the rest of my third year. I wasn’t eating spaghetti at the time but chocolate biscuits. If I’d been chairperson of the University ‘cavorting naked with wild abandon in a vat of bolognese sauce’ society Spagsa would’ve been a neat fit.

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The Working Parent – My Confession

My name is The Working Parent and I bribe my children.

There I said it, I bribe my children. Bribery was never an intentional method of discipline it just kind of happened.

It all started with treats after dinner. Usually these treats were healthy ones like yoghurts or grapes but nowadays they seem to be more along the chocolate theme.

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The good life mum – It came from the deep

It came from the deep

Bath time fun with warm water, filled with bath bombs I made recently so the water is twinkly with stars & glitter & a funky green colour, fun ducks boats & various squirty toys float about in the water. BUT ALL THAT WAS ABOUT TO CHANGE!!

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Here come the Girls – Reasons to be cheerful

Reasons to be cheerful

Right, I am giving myself a stern talking to and I’m going to start being more cheerful. I tried hard in the first few days of 2012, I really did. I wanted to give the New Year a positive start, but one event after the other has left me in the doldrums. My hubby says we’re being tested, but I don’t think so. I think this is just what it’s like being an adult. Life is one long flat tyre. It is a train which doesn’t stop at your station.

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Michael Cargill – NHS staff still recovering from Prince Philip’s heart surgery

NHS staff still recovering from Prince Philip’s heart surgery

Hospital staff at Papworth Hospital in Cambridgeshire are said to be “recovering well” ever since performing heart surgery on Prince Philip a week ago. The 90-year old Prince initially terrified staff when he insisted that “I get the same bed that the fat bitch from the Princess and the Pea had” but calmed down once “someone told him his favourite racist joke”. Soon after being introduced to the surgeon he voiced his displeasure at “being treated by the sort of soppy bastard that wears slippers to work” .

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Military Dad – What Sport I Would Like My Son to Play

I wasn’t an amazing athlete growing up. I played 4 sports in high school which sounds really impressive until you realize how small my school was. My graduating class had 16 kids in it. I’m not talking about just my homeroom or one of my math classes. The entire senior class had 16 kids (12 boys and 4 girls).There were less kids in my class than there are in the Duggar family. Pretty much everybody had to play sports or they couldn’t exist. I was also in band, choir, and all the plays/musicals. Everyone participated in everything.

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The Princess and The Pickle – Princess Ponderings

Princess Ponderings

A series of the little things The Princess says, does, writes or draws that make me smile…

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Just Bring the Chocolate – Rooting for the Lemons

Rooting for the Lemons

School sports days have changed slightly since the cut throat competition that marked my days of egg and spoon races. Not only are we no longer accruing insane amounts of health and safety violations by letting them run with actual eggs, we also now have to feel mildly perverted for accidently capturing the legs of the half-pint athlete in the next lane in our photographs… and god forbid those legs then find their way onto the internet…

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SAHDandproud – Why I Now Sit Down When I Pee.

Why I Now Sit Down When I Pee.

My son was 1 and 4 months. Technical types call this 16 months. He was walking, easily, but he hated one thing above all others. He hated closed doors.My daughter, 13 months, is the same right now. Close a door on her and you hear a noise like a bad-tempered Pterodactyl.

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