30-01-12 Love Humour Weekly Showcase
So just what is ‘funny’ anyway?
I know what I find funny – like my favourite joke. Of course no one else finds it remotely funny.
I present you the evidence:
What’s ET short for?
Cos he’s only got little legs.
Yeah well it makes me nearly pee myself everytime …*tuts* Haterz…
Intro by Mammasaurus
My Funny Mummy – Poonami
I could have taken a photo. I should have taken a photo. Yes, it would have been unsavoury. Offensively vulgar. Boorish. Uncouth. Downright manky. But, bad taste aside, MY GOD…you would have been ASTOUNDED.
The “wanna look at a big poo?” queue is rarely a long one, but this one, much like it’s main attraction, could have snaked around the block.
And understandably so.
Northernmum – I dont know if we can take anymore
At times it feels like I am being punished by the big man in the sky.
Not content with sending epilepsy and ddh into my family it seems I have a new ailment to contend with. One that again doesn’t seem to have any cure.
Twin Boy has been cursed with the dreaded ants in your pants disease, he is at the worst end of the spectrum where they attack his rear end with warning and pretty much relentlessly.
Medicated Follower of Fashion – Silent Night
So, last night I got myself settled in bed, pillows plumped and sat up.. Eventually I drop off (it’s not really the most comfortable position to fall asleep in really!) and off I go, into a blissful sleep….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………..BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!! WTF? WHAT IS THAT BLOODY NOISE? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? WHY IS MY BEDSIDE TABLE VIBRATING?!!!?! Eventually I get my brain together enough to realise what has dragged me from my dreams. My flipping electric toothbrush. A few days ago it started misbehaving, the battery running out and randomly turning itself on at odd times.
MotherWifeMe – Wife life – do you ever get one of those nights…
Do you ever get one of those nights where you are keeping each other awake – and not in a good way? Not in the way you do in the early days of a relationship, where you can’t keep your hands off of each other. More in the way that by 5 o clock in the morning you want to kill each other, chop each other up and feed each other to the evil sparrows chirping a happy pre-dawn chorus outside the window?
A social grumble – Cycling deficiency
With screams reminiscent of any historical battle ground, a frothy mix of blood, oil and tears soon oozed out from the heap of boys and bicycles on the side of the road. A family of ducks waddled over to inspect the damage, shook their heads in dismay and waddled off again.
I’m not sure I’ll ever lose my ability to be a horrendous cyclist; I’ve cycled into trees, hedges, dogs, people, cows, ponds – pretty much most things you can think of to be honest, I even managed to forearm a pedestrian once as I signalled left.
Father, Son and the Odd Blog Post – To reality and beyond … 9 ‘Toy’s Story
Next in is Barbie Roberts *enters to a chorus of boos… now in her early fifties and the former boyfriend of Ken Carson, Barbie found movie stardom early in life with such classics as Barbie Princess and Barbie and Ken –the movie. Following a bad experience with the paparazzi and a series of failed marriages she’s turned to porn to support her ‘horse tranquiliser addiction’ and has been recently seen in such classics as Barbie does Darlington and Barbie – Impossibly Inflexible. Mother of 14, Barbie hopes to find a new love interest in the house.
Rob Dragur – Hot Topic: Lady Nicotine’s Speckled Nipples
So, myself and Chris the Mexican sex pest are stopping smoking, and in a catholic like confessional, it has been seven days since my last cigarette. “Very good my son, now go forth, smoke five Marlboro Lights, drink 3 Koppaberg and shag a girl called Mary” I hear you say in your best pedophile priest voice. Or Irish. And in honor of the fact that I am now becoming like most of the human race, we decided to start chatting about Nicotine Replacement Therapies or alternative ways to help give up the dreaded tobacco and it’s beautiful nicotine teet.
Michael Cargill – Lightbulb has no regrets as filament finally burns out
An incandescent light bulb has stated that although he is sad that his life as a light-provider is now over, he is “more than happy with the life I led” and is proud to say that he “probably managed to prevent a rape or two”. ”This is a pretty rough area” he warned. ”Plenty of scumbags around just waiting for a prolonged period of darkness so that they can carry out their scumbaggery. Well, not on my watch they didn’t. I like to think that every lady who walked within my sphere of bulbousness felt safe the entire time.”
Grenglish – The Morning After
When I left you last, I was getting ready for my first Saturday night out in Central London, possibly since my twenties.
I managed to find something to wear, apply a few layers of concealer and run a hot tong through my hair before leaving the house. On time, I might also add!
These are my observations of how things have moved on ‘out there’ in the last decade.
The Random World Of Jen – A Mid-Winter 90’s Dream
It was a sunny, crisp ‘n dry morning and I was strolling through an eerily quiet forest wearing an illuminous blue and pink shell suit whilst fashioning a Hulk Hogan bumbag. Looking around, I glanced up at the beautiful tall trees and breathed in the fresh pine which reminded me of high school toilets and Christmas. Hang about, what the hell are those? There were several pairs of crap Hi-Tech trainers hanging by their laces from the trees and wait…what’s that? I couldn’t be sure but it looked like a signed photo of Dale Winton from Supermarket Sweep.
Mother’s Always Right – Do you ever lie on Facebook
At 5am, when I have driven 45 minutes through rain to work (again, even if it’s to a job I love), wearing odd socks, looking like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards, I don’t want to hear about how perfect everyone else’s life is.
I don’t want to know how rich you are. Or how in love you are. Or how incredibly advanced and intelligent your children are. Or how many toys you buy them. Or how many holidays you’re going on.
I just want you to shove off so I can carry on being normal in peace.
The Insanity Aquarium – Cabbage
I tried to remember where I was before I had been put in this cabbage box. Was I drunk? Was this some kind of joke? Some kind of ‘steal the limbs and put in a cabbage box’ joke? I wasn’t sure… had I been at work? In the bath? Stealing cake from the ‘Support the Orphans’ bake sale? I couldn’t remember, but I sure hoped I’d been stealing cake.
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Dribbling Pensioner – Kidney stones
Being on the wrong side of young, i’m starting to feel a few pains, and one that is bothering me is when i pass urine i get a pain.
The wife said that it could be kidney stones which worried me, because child-birth would be easier, than to try to pass stones.
So i plucked up the courage to go up to the doctors, and on the way in i noticed the waiting room was packed.
And i have to speak up because of my hearing and i tend to speak a little to loud.
Catherine’s thoughts – The Tooth Fairy
Many parents have a difficult time dealing with “Tooth Fairy Issues”, the obvious one being how much money does the tooth fairy leave for the first tooth, but the not so obvious one is what do you do when your child uses “duct tape” to attach their tooth securely to the hand.
Flossing the Cat – INANIMATE OBJECTS ARE ASSHOLES
Inanimate objects suck. With a few notable exceptions – such as books, a special companion of mine called Lelo who lives in a velvet pouch in my bedside cabinet, and my iPhone – inanimate objects are all assholes.
Polythene Pram – Pain in the Gum
This is why I hate, detest and loathe dentists and teeth….(do not read if you are funny about molar related material ;o) )
Romanian mum in London – My boogie makes me laugh!!!!
Sometimes i can’t believe how fast the time is passing. My daughter is almost 3 years old and every day she makes me laugh and cringe. I love her to bits but her tantrums are sometimes out of proportion.
However she has moments when she just makes us laugh.
You see she loves being centre of attention! She is like a little “diva”! Seriously i have no idea where she takes that from. I am very practical when it comes to clothing and 90% of the year i don’t bother putting make up on.
Cheetahs In My Shoes – The School Trip
This week the Cheetah Keeper’s sister has been on a school trip.
I use trip in a fairly loose sense. They visited our local church and walked there, so no coach, no-one being sick on the way, no getting stuck in traffic. Nevertheless they regarded it as a trip – and she came back and told me that some of her beautiful things that she’d spotted for the day were the frosty grass and trees they’d seen on the walk.
Chez Mummy – Time for wine? Why you should never drink in front of kids…
I don’t drink very much. Ever since I had my children my alcohol tolerance has been at practically zero. And you can’t drink when you’re in charge of little people, not even if they’re being little terrors and you crave a quick hit of hard liquor or gulp of wine to calm your nerves.
No, I don’t drink very much at all.
But Sophia, my nearly three-year-old little girl, seems to have a different idea.