In Need of Light Relief
Last week on the Love All Blogs Forum I posed the conundrum – who are the funniest bloggers and I was inundated with replies I received not a single reply. Not one! Which tells me that you are either extremely possessive, or stricken with the January blues and in need of a serious cheering-up! So this week there will be no engrossing debate or incisive commentary from me 😉 but simply some homework. Read these funny blog posts, have a laugh at their expense, cheer up, and feel free to let me know if I missed something side-splitting J
Northern Mum, who has seen the signs that her boy is turning into a man
Mrs Aspinall, who has been Trying to get a Doctor’s appointment.
@StickPickYears, who is fed up with the guilty nagging voice
Military Dad got waxed – ouch!
SAHD had a toilet accident
And Flossing the Cat has Women’s Troubles
If you need me tomorrow I will be somewhere in a heap on the floor after this lot!
Introduction kindly written by Helen from Actually Mummy
Hello Wall…. – Clucking Hell
My daughter asked me a question tonight that I couldn’t really answer. Pondering her scrambled egg she asked:
“What part of the chicken is the egg?”
Follow the bell…the oven’s on
Now, as a recent ex-veggie, I have always had problems with the consumption of animals, especially certain bits. Heston Blumenthal would eat me for breakfast. Actually, he might….However, it has struck me before (in my more maternal moments) that when we eat an egg we are, in effect, eating a baby chicken foetus.
Business Plus Baby – Working from home with toddlers around: how on earth do you do it?
Question: “I’m at the research stage of setting up a small business while I look after my two toddlers. I work most evenings once they have gone to bed but I’m also trying to fit bits in in the day. I feel I’m not giving my children the time I should as I’m distracted by work and I’m not giving work sufficient attention as I’m paying attention to my children – what can I do?”
Here are some tips to help…
A Mummy Too – Jessica has fallen off the growth chary
Jessica is 13 weeks old and has gained just 200g in the last month. She started on the 25% line and now she’s below the 0.4% line.
They call it ‘failure to thrive’ but the failure feels all mine. I want to scream, “What’s wrong with me?!” Bottles, battles, clinics, colic, worries and weigh-ins await. I feel defeated.
Shaking Away the Cobwebs – Super-Mum? Erm… No!
The thing is, there’s always something for a mum to be doing. Whether that’s the cleaning or playing with the children or visiting family. And it’s never ending. As the saying goes, ‘A mother’s work is never done’. I’ve been a stay-at-home mum for nearly 8 years and I’ve still not managed to have one single day where I didn’t have to do some kind of chore. My daily life is filled with chores to make the house run smoothly. I do my best to get the most important ones done…
AKAMUMA – Before I was a Mum
I would stay out all night and eat double cheese burgers for breakfast.
I bared my midriff as a badge of honour, after not eating much beyond crackers for three days.
Sundays didn’t start till 2pm.
I wore thongs.
The Secret Life of an Unknown Housewife – A Special Kind of Lie??
I have two sons. Ever since they were born I have tried to create a magical world for them when it comes to Christmas, wobbly teeth, Easter. I wanted them to feel the same way I did, when I was little, about Father Christmas, fairies …
All went swimmingly for a long time. Each Christmas we would read stories by candlelight about The Polar Express, The Night Before Christmas, A Christmas Carol … We would watch films about traditional Christmases and happy families touched by the warmth and magic of Santa, tooth fairies, Easter Bunnies …
The Start Up Wife – Our first 12 for 2012 treat
So, our first treat for 2012 was an evening spent drinking champagne and playing chess. Except we couldn’t play chess because the children had hidden half the pieces. This may have been a blessing in diguise because Stef is seriously good at chess and I’m not (yet). We played Hunters and Gatherers instead, which is an alternative version of Carcassonne, a game we both love. Seven months ago today I promised Stef that I’d be his “toughest competition” and playing board games together has always been very competitive! He did win this time…only by 6 points!
Medicated Follower of Fashion – Hands off those matches and stop break-dancing whilst you’re at it!
Ethan had long since escaped from my grasps when all of a sudden I heard him yelp “Oooo, FIRE!!” and then someone else yelling “Vicar! He’s got hold of your matches!”. Yup, it was Ethan. He’d managed to get behind the Vicar whilst he was occupied with this other child and grabbed the matches he’d hidden behind his back (for the lighting the advent candle).. Sigh. That was embarrassing.. I doubt his £8 nylon sheep-ish wonder from Asda would have faired well against flames….
THE TWIN INVASION – The rugby position and other obsessions
No mother, sister, auntie or friend can prepare you for the moment in which you find yourself getting to know your newborn baby. Babies, in this case. Throughout my four day-stay in hospital, I made a mental list of a hundred things that could have been dealt with in the pre-natal classes and which were never touched upon- but which I then came to regard as vital. At that point, I couldn’t get my head around trying to understand how the classes could have been so poorly organised.
Parenting on the Front Line – The games our children play with us
Children play the most wonderful games. There is real beauty to their imaginations. I love how my little girl enjoys getting her toys together for ‘teddy bear picnics’, how she is really starting to explore creative play and dressing up in cute Disney-inspired costumes.
These aren’t the games I really mean of course. I wrote that first sentence half sarcastically. Of course children play the most wonderful games…at times. But, for the purposes of this post, I’m talking about the other sort of ‘games’; the ones that can have parents (and sometimes children) tearing their hair out in frustration.
Sip Mom – How to make a scientist
Science is this small word that contains so much knowledge. Science can be about simple things like baking a cake and all the chemistry between its ingredients, or complicated matters like exploring the Universe. Science can be about working on a lab wearing a white coat, or heading to the dirt and digging in. Science is so big, think dinosaurs, and so small, think virus. And yet, sometimes you are able to bottle portions of it in one place, so you can experience the various facets of Science under the same roof.
Smiling and Sparkling – Not just a parent
Although I can not pinpoint the moment for me PND crept in, I was fairly sure from the start that I knew what started the awful emotions that followed, and it was that I felt like just a Mum..
Mamabearuk – The prize for most ridiculous tantrum goes too…
At 15 months L is now in full on tantrum mode. Not every day and not even regularly but when it happens I know about it. What strikes me is how ridiculous, almost laughable some of her ‘Paddys’ are.
Below I have listed the top 4 so far.
1. I wouldn’t let her eat a twig
Stitches & Stretchmarks – Pain
This week’s One Born theme was ‘Pain’ and I think it’s something more women need to talk about more openly and more honestly.
I can only talk about my own experience of childbirth but I think that’s only fair. I don’t think “my sister’s best friend’s cousin’s hairdresser’s babysitter was in so much pain she nearly died” stories help anyone. Not least because I doubt they’re ever true.
I want people to talk about childbirth. It’s not as scary as we think it is, and there are things we can do to help ourselves.
Mums on the Blog – Life overload
I have to admit to feeling slightly overwhelmed with the amount of things that need doing around my house, in my life, throughout the day and every evening.
To be fair, this is most probably because I have got a newborn baby – she is three weeks old today. She is also my third child, so not only do I have the demands of a little baby to contend with, I also have a three and a five year old who need a fair old amount of entertaining and attending to.
From Slummy to Yummy Mummy – The time has come…
I’m 30 years old and I’ve never had my bikini line waxed.
There! I’ve said it! That wasn’t so hard after all. I ALMOST got it done once but it didn’t quite happen. My sister is a beauty therapist (I think she got all the personal grooming and I got the leftovers) and had to find a model for her bikini waxing exam. She announced this casually one day and I just kind of let it gloss over me, waiting for the subject to change. Waxing, primping and preening have never been my strongest topic…
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Grenglish – Chicken pox strikes twice!
So, apparently it is an absolute myth that you can only catch chicken pox once in your life and then you are immune for all eternity.
My mum thinks, that either my sister or I had chicken pox twice as a child. She cannot remember exactly which one of us it was, but we both had it at least once and one of us, has had it twice.
Twice is rare. For most people, certainly once will be all. But, we have both had it and are definitely immune now, according to mum.
DorkyMum – Giggle Dreams
We’ve got a good little routine going in the mornings, these days. When DorkySon wakes up – usually sometime between 6.30-7am – I go through to get him out of his cot, change his nappy, and bring him through into our bed for some milk and cuddles.
One of my favourite parts of the day is the couple of minutes it takes me to do his nappy change in the near-dark. Most days he’ll sing me a wee song, or tell me what he dreamed about that night, and it’s a lovely start to the day.
I’m Counting UFOs – Wot So Funee? A Three Year Old’s Perception of the Tooth Fairy
I quite often find money on the street, usually just very small change, but sometimes the nice heavier coins, and once or twice, I’ve even spotted a note (£20 once – SCORE). I always pick them up, well, it’s not like the owner is coming back for 20p, is it?
mummy things – The Busy Mums make-up kit
As a mum, you want to look good but don’t have the time to faff around reapplying your makeup all day. Neither really, do you have the time to browse the cosmetics stands any more, or have the budget to buy lots of different products to try out. ….In the last two years I have found my almost-perfect kit. so I thought I’d share it with you.
Flossing the Cat – THE VEGGIE’S FULL-TIME
I’ve been thinking lately about F. R David. Remember him? Tinted sunglasses worn inside? No? Bouffant hair? No? Sounds like a girl? No? Utter twat? Yeah, yeah, you got it, that’s him. Wrote the song “Words’. Well, the reason I’ve been thinking about him is because that plaintive opening line, “Words don’t come easy to me” – whilst not a lyric that will ever rival the expressions of youthful alienation found in the works of Kerouac, or the representations of quotidian thought found in, say, James Joyce – is nevertheless a line that could easily describe me.
The Start Up Wife – A Third Birthday Letter
So, this is his birthday part one. The day when I get to think back over the past three years. Each year at Christmas I have written a little letter to my children and this year I wanted to start to write them a longer letter on their birthdays too. I’ll keep them all safe for them, so they can read back over them when they are older.
This is an extract from my birthday letter to Oren:
MotherWifeMe – Miracle recipe to get toddler to eat: Pastas Soup
Firstly, please note that in toddler speak, ‘pastas’ is the official plural of ‘pasta’. I know this, because the tinkerous toddler told me. Very emphatically.
Secondly, please note that the one ingredient this recipe won’t need is pastas. Or pasta. However, Pastas Soup can contain any other ingredients that you care to bung in a soup…
Three years, one stone and then home – Mama Scrooge or Mummy Sensible
I know, I know, Christmas is not yet a month past and and here I am bringing up the ‘gift’ topic. Trouble is, my opinion on this seems to differ from all my friends so I’m putting pen to paper in the hope that I can find at least one person – just one, that’s all I ask for – to tell me that it’s okay to be a bit ‘bah, humbug’. The thought of a room full of unnecessary plastic items makes me want to vomit. But … surely, a couple of well-chosen, thoughtful gifts is enough?
fun-as-a-gran – Food Allergy week – a mothers perspective
A trip to the supermarket takes hours, I have to read every label on every item I pick up (I even read the label on the milk carton the other day – you’d be surprised to learn that it contains milk!), and one supermarket isn’t enough.
I can’t just turn up on a friend’s doorstep for coffee without planning it first – what if their kids had peanut butter sandwiches for lunch? Or they are sitting eating chocolate cake?
I know the best route to every hospital in the area,.. which ones sell the best coffee..
Tricky Customer – It’s all relative
Lately I’ve noticed that quite a few people have apologised to me for things they’ve said about their children.
For example just the other day my friend who has a son with cerebral palsy apologised to me for ‘going on’ in her words about her worries for him when she realises that her son is in a better situation than Samuel. I adore her son. I adore both her children. I love hearing about them and do also worry about him and hope that her boy will thrive and overcome his obstacles.
Older Mum (In A Muddle) – Clearance
When it comes to storing personal history I find people tend to fall into one of these two camps; they are either hoarders or throw away-ers. There doesn’t seem to be an enlightened middle way approach to managing ones belongings. It’s either keep it or chuck it. Black and white. Well Younger Dad is a sentimental hoarder while I on the other hand am a self righteously proud throw away-er. However on this grand occasion of the super sized sort out the roles appear to be reversing.
Snoo & Me – Disgrace.
This was not all. Oh no. Now that she had my attention, she was keen to tell me exactly what she thought of me.
“You don’t even own that house. I OWN my house and I don’t need the likes of you disgracing my home with your promiscuous ways going on next door.” (She must have seen the steady stream of gentleman callers I was opening my door and my legs to at all hours of the day and night, as of course you do after you’ve been abused sexually by an ex boyfriend.) “You should be ashamed. UNMARRIED MOTHER.”
Mum2BabyInsomniac – Was It My Fault That My Labour Went Wrong?
Do you ever wonder whether your labour could have been different? I had to have an assisted delivery (forceps) and it’s watching these type of births on One Born that really brings back bad memories. In fact the episode I watched the other night had me sobbing about the fact that Iyla had to be born in such a horrible way. I felt awful that she had to have metal things clamped around her head so tightly that she looked like she’d been beaten up.
The Life and Times of The Working Mum – Laura…? Laura? Who?
When I began to tell friends and family I was pregnant, I could give you a list of ‘friends’ that would not be there anymore. I know it is wrong to assume, but my assumptions were correct.
I made the effort to tell all my ‘close’ friends in person. I met them for drinks and broke the news.
bluebirdsunshine – Oh no, I don’t really fancy myself anymore!
It’s nearly 3pm in the afternoon and I’ve just looked in the mirror for the first time today. I don’t really like what I see. I see a frumpy, tired woman with hair that’s long grown out of the style it once had, dressed in boring black clothes, with not a skerrick of makeup to be seen. I woke late this morning and rushed about the house getting us ready for the preschool drop-off. There wasn’t any time to consider what to wear, to have a shower, or to do my hair, let alone time to put on make up.
Minibreak Mummy – Chocolate spread on toast
I am pleased to report that our son is eating chocolate spread on toast again. This is the closest thing to ‘real food’ that our boy will eat. We keep offering him portions of the food that we are eating at every opportunity, but these stay untouched. People say, “If he won’t eat the food you put in front of him, don’t offer him anything else. He’ll soon start to eat real food if you let him get hungry.” But that doesn’t work. He just gets hungry and still doesn’t eat.
Here come the Girls – Shopping with children
I don’t go to shops very much these days, and by shops I don’t mean supermarkets – I go to them far too often. But a proper shop with clothes or books or music is a rarity. At Christmas, when I had to do some last minute shopping, I remembered why I usually shop online. The aisles are far too narrow for a double pram and the shops put really handy displays of items at floor level. Handy if you want to play a game of Jenga with a load of DVDs, that is.
Goldilocks And My Three Bears – I Am An Idiot.
I have -technically- now fulfilled one of my New Years Resolutions: I have taken a course. Not the sort of course I was expecting and I’m already regretting it!
I took Baby Bear for his first immunisations yesterday (only a FEW weeks late – he’s 14 weeks) and I casually looked over someone’s shoulder at some worksheets laid out on the table (don’t look at me like that – you can’t tell me you never nose!). Unable to keep my mouth shut EVER:
“Oh, you’re doing that parenting course again…
Mummy Cool – The F (And the P And The B) Word
FARTS and POO and BOTTOMS….. Clearly the three most hilarious things in the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD ……… At least for The Small Boy.
Over recent weeks he has slowly, inexorably turned into a mini Bernard Manning with a fully-fledged repertoire of toilet-based humour that reduces him to paroxysms of gurgling delight while the rest of the family stand by bewildered and, let’s be honest, slightly worried.
Cheetahs In My Shoes – Inspired – Winter Whipsnade
Lucy over at Dear Beautiful Boy has started this lovely new link asking me to post 5 pictures of something that’s inspired me. Her amazing pictures of all things white this week are just lovely but I’m not sure anything white would ever last in this house! So, I’ve chosen 5 pictures that I took on our last visit to Whipsnade Zoo. I’ve blogged before about how much we love it there and even in the depths of winter it’s still fantastic.
HPMcQ – listography
my 5 favourite biscuits
Mummy’s Little Stars – What do your kids do that scares you?
My children are an inspiration.
Not least our little stuntboy; the youngest and most troublesome member of the KiddyCharts clan. Along with all the family, he helps with designing our reward charts – but like a built in research department; it works for him it’ll work for a good few kids…
Alongside this, he also helps keep my blood pressure up…
Dear Beautiful Boy – the going home outfit
that first outfit.
And I know lots of new mummies
who put a lot of time and effort into getting just the right one.
Including a friend who recently had a baby
and bought one pink outfit and one blue
because they didn’t know what they were having
but wanted the outfit to be just right either way.
We didn’t know what we were having.
So all our pre-baby purchases were bought in shades of white and cream.
But for me, newborn babies looks just perfect in a white onesie.
Who’s the Mummy – The one where I Flash the Deputy Headmaster
You’re late for the school run because you can only find one school PE trainer. And then when you get home, the trainer turns out to be inside the washing machine. Because, like, where else would a trainer be?
The dentist tells you that only 10% of patients get an abscess after a wisdom tooth extraction, and only 10% of those people also develop weird scar tissue on their gum that stops them talking properly, and practically nobody then comes out in hives as an allergy to the antibiotic, so in a way you’re actually very special. Lucky you.
Actually Mummy… – That Morning Feeling
You know those mornings when your Dad can’t make your Ready Brek and your Mum is a total nightmare? Well we had one of those today – we ran out of milk. Now it is always someone’s fault when this happens. Usually Mummy’s because she was too busy to go out and get more, so she blames Daddy for using the last dregs, so he blames us for wanting too much on our cereal, and we….. well, we need a dog to blame! Whatever the cause, the most catastrophic result is that Mummy doesn’t get her coffee
from fun to mum – Libraries are not for eating. A rant.
This morning I took Little Miss G to a little library where I don’t go all that often. I was horrified and this is a rant about it. First, there were older kids going through other people’s pushchairs and toys whilst carers or parents were chatting away or being on their mobile phones. This is simply wrong! Kids are curious, but private property is sacred, no?
Nearly Not Quite – To My Biggest Girl
I have wondered about you every day of your life. Since before you were born I have wondered. Even now, I continue.
I wonder if you’ll make friends easily.
I wonder if you will walk filled with self confidence, strong in the knowledge that who you are is enough………
geekmummy – There is only one of me!
A very good friend of mine once said that she was going to get the words “there is only one of me” tattooed on her forehead. I have to confess in the last few weeks I’ve been tempted to do that myself. Since before Christmas I’ve been working on a very high profile project at work, which has kept me exceeding busy, and I have found myself uttering those six words with alarming frequency…
Mammasaurus – Mummy did a smelly pooh
My most cringe-worthy moment was at a rather large Starbucks, having gone into the loo with my 3 year old we returned to our seats. I should point out now that my 3 year old Kit is obsessed with bruises,grazes and generally any blemish she finds. Every evening she counts the bruises on her legs and gives us an update, she’s either going to grow into a heavily pierced Goth with a penchant for the macabre for the gory or she’ll be a doctor specialising in leg injuries. So really I should have known that some things should remain taboo
My Rusty Halos – Its the little things
I think it’s an amazing thing to be able to make a person happy simply by having their favourite jammies washed and dried for them to wear……
………..What strange things have you used to bribe your child and what strange things have you had to bribe them away from?
www.mummyratesit.co.uk – Putting your back into biking
Can you remember the first time you rode a bike without stabilisers? I can. I remember pedaling along the street and seeing my Dad standing there open-armed and ready to catch. He didn’t need to – I was off and it wasn’t long before I’d fallen in with the local ‘BMX gang’ (which comprised of me and 3 of my friends) riding over DIY ramps and playing ‘chicken’ with the lamp post. More….